(Written Thurs Jan 27)
Okay, the deal I am making with myself is that I can write all the blog entries about this I want, but I'm not posting any of 'em until at least twelve weeks. That seems so far away!
I am pregnant.
Yes, again. Yes, we have been trying. Yes, I know my first child isn't even a year old. Yes, it will be really hard to have two under two. So what. I am 38 years old, I want another kid, I know what I am doing. I think. I planned this kid around work, would you believe it? Our strategic planning and budgeting sessions all occur in the summer and wrap up in September. My due date is September 30th.
It took three months this time. The first month I just went by my old cycle and nothing happened. The second month I tried the Clear Blue Fertility Monitor. It showed me that my cycle has changed since Thora was born and that my peak fertility time (like you care) is around day 17, not day 14. The third month... well, one shot was all it took. Anyone need a fertility monitor? I've got a spare one I don't need anymore!
The last time I coincidentally had a physical scheduled for the day before my period was due. I told my doctor I was trying to get pregnant so he added a test to my bloodwork. Before my period was even late, I knew I was expecting.
This time, I had to figure it out on my own. I was prepared for it to be harder, so the day that my period was due I went out for dinner with a friend and had two drinks! What the hell was I thinking? I waited two more days before I bought a test. The positive was so incredible. I've taken several HPTs in my life, always negative, so part of me assumed it would be negative no matter what. But there was the little blue plus sign. It was undeniable, but I took another one the next day anyway. Still positive.
Since the BFP, I have been totally exhausted. Today I am dizzy and nauseous for the first time. I know it's a good sign so I shouldn't complain, but it's hard. My mind is wandering. I am emotional. Before I even took a pregnancy test I suspected I might be pregnant because I was listening to a podcast that told a story of birth and I was crying as I listened.
Mostly I am scared. Scared that since I had such luck the first time that this one might not stick. Scared that this baby is due at the end of September, meaning all through July and August I will be as big as a house and totally uncomfortable. Scared to have two babies, scared that our perfect family will change, scared that I will never sleep again. Scared that I will be tandem nursing, that my boobs and belly will never recover.
I had been doing WW for all of four weeks when my period was late. I knew full well that my weight loss adventure would be temporary, but I was finally getting rid of the last of the baby weight. The tough part is that I am doing my meetings with a coworker and I can't tell her, so I have to fake it! I don't want to go to meetings, I don't want to get on the scale. I haven't tracked in days. I am still careful about what I eat, though. Not so much the amounts but what. Obviously I don't want to feed my fetus a bunch of garbage and what I like about the new WW system is how they really push eating lots of fruits and vegetables. So I am still bulking up on them. Boring things like baby carrots and apples are staples, but I'm having fun roasting beets and brushing slices of sweet potatoes with garlic and ginger infused oil. Yum! I haven't gained any weight yet, which is normal for most people but I put on 15 pounds in my first trimester with Thora (and 50 lbs total!). I am hoping that I will gain less with this baby. It's probable anyway, since when I am not at work I am home chasing a toddler. It also wasn't as easy for me to lose weight as everyone said it would be! I got really sloppy in my last trimester after a friend said "Oh, you'll lose it so fast that you shouldn't worry about holding back. Have more ice cream!" I did. But now my thighs and ass are not thanking me for that!
I want to tell everyone. I have had to walk myself back out of someone's office here when I discovered myself en route to tell her. Half the people I work with are pregnant so it's a hard secret to keep but I keep remembering two things: the obvious one: don't tell anyone you wouldn't want to have to un-tell, and two, I remember a former co-worker of mine complaining about another co-worker. "Oh my gawd," he said, "She told us like the day she conceived so it's been the longest pregnancy ever!" It's bad enough that the pregnancy will last forever in my mind, but I can't do that to everyone else! So for now, mum's the word.