(Written Jan 31)
I know it's only the beginning but in many ways this pregnancy is exactly like the first so far. Symptomatically it's the same. I am really freaking tired and I am nauseous all the time. I haven't actually thrown up yet, but thoughts of eating certain foods, of brushing my teeth, of taking my vitamins, have me gagging. I am nauseous and dizzy when I stand up, when I lie down, when I move quickly. "Maternal preoccupation" has already set in. I can barely remember what day it is and already I have forgotten a dentist appointment and a few things I was expected to do for work. I have a belly already, which seems so unfair! It's too early to share but it's impossible to hide. It's a good thing someone at work outed me a few weeks ago as a new Weight Watcher. People expect me to be fat. (I have stopped going to meetings.)
Truly the hardest part of this pregnancy so far is that I am still nursing one child while growing another. And that's my body working all by itself. It's not like I have a to do list that starts with: one) produce milk for growing one-year-old and two) grow fetus. It's stuff my body is doing all on its own, so whatever my top priority is for the day (like, work for eight hours, balance our checkbook, call my mother, etc) gets pushed down the list by my body when it is done for the day. My body does not care what deadlines I am working with. My body decides when I have had enough. This means I fall asleep at 8:30 some nights. Other nights I overrule my body because I have work or socializing to do, or because Thora wakes up and cries for me. And now I have a stuffy nose and sore throat as thanks. And did I mention it's supposed to snow another 10 inches tonight? Life is grand.
Just thinking about this exhausts me. Nursing during pregnancy is no easy feat. The mamas I consult with remind me that it will be even harder as it progresses since I work full time and the exhaustion won't stop. But I don't want to wean the Bee until she is ready. So we nurse. And my belly grows. Which wipes me out. Which makes me short-tempered. Being with Thora is the high point of every day and it is so hard to ever be cranky with her. Even in the middle of the night when she cries, I go to her smilingly. It's Johnny who gets the short end of the stick. Today he complained he didn't feel well. He's nauseous, he's tired. The weather sucks. He slipped on the ice because he didn't wear his winter boots when he went out. I screamed at him. I couldn't help it. My poor husband. But really? Tired and nauseous and you didn't check the weather before you left? I am so nauseous all I've eaten today are Wasa crisps and Saltines. I am so tired I can barely see. But I made it to work and I functioned - and for the last two days the heat in my office has been broken, stuck on 87! Try being pregnant and dressed for winter - cords, knee high heavy socks, two layers on top and big clunky winter boots - stuck at a desk in an 87 degree office inches away from the blasting heat. Cue the violins. I am being a martyr, I know. Poor me. Johnny works as hard as I do, and as he reminds me when I complain: "You wanted this!" But he is not carrying The Newbie.
Yep, The Newbie. We are not a "lentil" or "peanut" kind of family. When I was pregnant with Thora I felt overtaken completely from the moment I conceived. So I called her Nebuchadnezzar. It was the perfect name for her. Now we have a fully formed rock band. Nebuchadnezzar and the Newbie. Or, if you will, The Bee and the Newbie.