(Written Monday March 7)
I have to admit, being pregnant this time isn't anywhere near as much fun as last time. And I'm only ten weeks! With that kind of attitude, this could feel like the longest pregnancy ever.
My symptoms are still all pretty much the same. I'm exhausted and nauseous. It could be psychological, but potato chips cure everything. They work the way a big greasy meal cures a hangover. Except then I feel like a whale and I remember that I am not in fact "eating for two" but that I should make every calorie count as nutritionally as I can. That guilt only lasts as long as my next wave of nausea and heartburn and I'm willing to eat another serving of salty junk in order to settle my stomach. This too shall pass. At least I can still eat vegetables this time. Last time I ate potato chips and bagels almost exclusively until week 14, which for me is just gross.
I am totally excited about a new baby. It's terrifying too. But mostly we are thrilled that we are having another one close to Thora's age, that we are getting our babymaking over with, that we will have the family of four we wanted. But last time every ache, every twinge, every wave of nausea felt new and exciting. My body was doing new things. I felt like singing to the world: I have morning sickness! I am tired! I am getting a belly! My world is changing! My body is changing!
Now I'm over it. Can't I just have the kid? Do I really have to go through this whole song and dance and putting on a ridiculous amount of weight and huffing and puffing and being hot and bothered and all that when I've been there, done that?
Not to mention the fact that I am already gigantic. At 9 weeks I got seats on the subway. At 10 weeks, absolutely nothing fits me so I am back in maternity clothes. And yet I am not out to the world. My close friends and family know and my boss knows. And I let it slip to a few people at work that I know have already shared it amongst their closest coworkers. I printed out an article about tandem nursing and left it on the printer for one of my managers to pick up and hand to me like it had cooties she didn't want to catch. A friend of mine who works in our other office said "When you were here last week, so-and-so remarked that you're looking awfully pregnant again." Worst kept secret ever! It really is common knowledge - I mean, how can they not know? We just don't discuss it, like you don't talk about Fight Club. I feel like nodding to everyone at work and saying yes, you know my secret. And I know you know. But can we just pretend you don't know and that I don't know that you know for just another couple weeks? Ultrasound #1 is next week. After that, we can talk all you want. For now, I'm just not feeling very well.
The positives: At almost 11 weeks, I am more than 25% of the way through! The ball starts rolling this week with a blood test, followed by the accompanying ultrasound next week and the first real midwife exam the week after that. It will feel good to know that everything is okay with this baby. Recently, I learned that a coworker of mine is expecting her third baby and she and I have the same due date. It's so nice to go through a pregnancy with a friend, as I learned last time when my dear friend Missy and I had our babies two weeks apart. And best of all, today the fog lifted and I felt like my old self. I ate all day and didn't gag once - the waves of nausea were there but they were very mild. I didn't need to drink a cup of taboo black tea to get through the work day. I had energy! Last time this happened around week 12. Maybe I am getting ahead of myself. But I'm feeling optimistically like there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
In the meantime though, I'll be the one in the dark eating potato chips!